Friday, November 23, 2012

Let's Start Again

I used to write all the time. I wrote a full book when I was nine, and knew that is what I wanted to continue doing for the rest of my life. Then, when I turned ten, my anxiety disorder (that I now realize I have had my whole life) got much worse. That year was probably the worst year of my life. It was miserable and when I look back on it I shutter. The thing about it was, that nothing really bad happened that year. But wherever I went, my anxiety stopped me in my tracks. Because of this, I stopped writing. I hated it. I tried to write, but I couldn't.

I am now 17 and my anxiety still keeps me from doing a lot of things I would like to do. But I am trying to fight it. Last year, I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder and started receiving treatment. I take sertraline to help with my anxiety. It doesn't stop the panic attacks. I still have to fight my anxiety to do things I want to do. But, it helps me get through each day relatively calmer. It allows me sit in a restaurant where a picture is crooked. I usually don't take out my inner turmoil on the people I love anymore. Understanding ish why I feel the way I do has helped a lot too. I challenge myself to go outside of my comfort zone to prove to myself that I can. And as long as I don't do too many insane things like talking on a phone in one day, I can make it through without any panic attacks.

I have tried to start a blog several times before. I will get one post done, and then my anxiety will keep me from ever posting again. But the thing is, I love writing. I don't want my anxiety to keep me from doing something that I love anymore. So here I am, trying again. I have no idea what this blog is going to be about. For now it will be my ramblings that I will try to force myself to post. I hope that someday I will be able to write a post without it putting me on the brink of an anxiety attack. For now it does, but I refuse to let that stop me.

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